I wear “I love you’s” on my sleeve. A sweet nothing from me is exactly that, nothing. I have a habit of serving affection as it were water, it’s hardly worth writing home about (Azerbaijan sure hasn’t, lol). She was never one to match my superficial affection. Lately, however, she has surprised me with the articulations of her feelings. I don’t think she is even being superficial or disingenuous about it. I never expected her to feel this way about me, let alone express it. I like it but, it has caught me off guard.
At first I thought she was becoming more affectionate to cover up her infidelity, I don’t think that is that case anymore. Then I started to think she was becoming more affectionate because she knew it was what I wanted to hear. That would be a lot of work for something she would have either way. I am starting to believe that she is actually developing deep seeded feelings for me. I never expected it. Last night was one such occasion, she looked up at me and said “do you remember how I used to say “time will tell,” well its been enough time and… I love you.” I was flabbergasted.
Paris once asked about how serious Azerbaijan and I were, I said it was very temperamental and might not last another 2-3weeks. I was certain that there was a 3-4 month expiratory date on our relationship. I didn’t trust her, I didn’t think I was good enough, I thought she was going to play me. Well, like Azerbaijan said, its been enough time and (besides one ice-cream incident) she been good. This leaves me with one question, is my relationship with Azerbaijan actually turning into something substantial? I’ve spent so long waiting for the other shoe to drop that I never really thought of her like that (I mean I hoped, but I didn’t dare get my hopes up). It’s weird to think Azerbaijan likes me the way she tells me she does. It’s weird thinking of her as my next serious relationship. It must be weird for a lottery winner to wake up 5 months later and realize he is still rich, that is ticket was good, that no one is going to take away his money. That’s how I feel about Azerbaijan.
it is becoming increasingly hard to think of myself with other women. I can't see myself loving other women the way i love her. I don’t have to be anyone but myself with her; I am most genuinely me when I am with her. We are starting to fit together. Sometimes she is my only breath of fresh air in moggy week.
Friday, February 26, 2010
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
New York and cupid's Arrows
Over the past several days Azerbaijan and I have gotten along famously. I don’t know why, how, or exactly when it happened. It is as if someone turned flipped a switch and everything got better. Like when you walk in from a sunny snowy day and everything is red until an unpredictable blink unexpectedly restores your white balance. She even looks at me different now. She looks at me like she is actually in love with me, the feeling is amazing. I don’t think either of us knows what is the cause of sudden change.
Personally, I recognized that several months ago I was ‘seeing’ 5 women and decided that I was happier with one (her). I remembered that for the most part Azberjain is what I am looking for. I also have come to understand some of the triggers and buttons I push that make her upset, and try to avoid them. I can’t take all the credit; I can see that she has made changes to. She is slower to anger, more affectionate, and attempts to avoid arguments. She is started to gain everything I thought was missing. I’m excited to see her again. Of course, its only been a week and time will tell how long this new attitude will stick. I am not overly concerning myself with that however. Planning too far ahead is bad for your relational health. I am going to enjoy the good while its good, when/if it turns sour… I’ll act accordingly.
Anyway, I’ve decided to expand the mission statement of this blog. Previously I intended this blog to be about my relationships. A way I could look back and see/show the tribulations I encountered. Somewhere along the way I realized I had prioritized relationships too high. I’ve decided to make this blog more of a journal and less of a relationship blog.
On that note, tonight I am going to tell my dad about my plans to go back to school. I am nervous. Ideally I would want him to be so into the idea that he is willing to pay for tuition, room, and board. At 23, and already having a degree under my belt, I know this is a tall order. We will see, and I will keep you updated. Love yaJohn Darling.
Personally, I recognized that several months ago I was ‘seeing’ 5 women and decided that I was happier with one (her). I remembered that for the most part Azberjain is what I am looking for. I also have come to understand some of the triggers and buttons I push that make her upset, and try to avoid them. I can’t take all the credit; I can see that she has made changes to. She is slower to anger, more affectionate, and attempts to avoid arguments. She is started to gain everything I thought was missing. I’m excited to see her again. Of course, its only been a week and time will tell how long this new attitude will stick. I am not overly concerning myself with that however. Planning too far ahead is bad for your relational health. I am going to enjoy the good while its good, when/if it turns sour… I’ll act accordingly.
Anyway, I’ve decided to expand the mission statement of this blog. Previously I intended this blog to be about my relationships. A way I could look back and see/show the tribulations I encountered. Somewhere along the way I realized I had prioritized relationships too high. I’ve decided to make this blog more of a journal and less of a relationship blog.
On that note, tonight I am going to tell my dad about my plans to go back to school. I am nervous. Ideally I would want him to be so into the idea that he is willing to pay for tuition, room, and board. At 23, and already having a degree under my belt, I know this is a tall order. We will see, and I will keep you updated. Love yaJohn Darling.
Thursday, February 4, 2010
She loves me, She love me not, She loves me?
Azerbaijan has become overly jealous and controlling, it gives me conflicting emotions. Firstly, and in complete disclosure, I like it. Last night, for example, she half jokingly mentioned that Fridays and Saturdays were automatically reserved for her. My first thought was, that’s awesome! I mean, I have this amazing woman who wants to spend every weekend with me! That’s flattering. There is no one else I would rather spend that time with anyway. If I wasn’t with her I would go out B-rain. I’d find myself in some club scammin on some girl I wish was my girlfriend. No random touches Azerbaijan in any way. Sure, I find other girls alluring, even attractive, but I would rather be with Azerbaijan 10 out of 10 times. From the deepest to the most shallow of reasons I find her more attractive than any other woman I’ve come across.
The second thought about Azerbaijan’s increasing levels of control and jealousy makes me doubt her fidelity. I’ve been around the block enough times to understand what these levels of jealousy and control mean. She’s cheating or gearing up to cheat. I’ve done it, its been done to me, I can read the signs like the alphabet. I hope she is not cheating, obviously, but I am not letting it get me down. Cheaters are going to cheat no matter what you do. If I got upset at her it wouldn’t change her mind about being faithful to me. If she isn’t cheating on me and I got upset, it would just push her closer to doing it any way. Basically, I plan on working loving her as if I didn’t suspect her of anything. The truth will come out one way or the other.
Oh! last night we had a long conversation without a fight! It was nice. When we don't fight, we get along so well... its like a breath of fresh air into my day. We just talk, joke, Oh! And she is teaching me her language. It’s fun! I’ve had many people try to teach me many languages, she is really good. She doesn’t get mad at pronouncing words repeating. She is encouraging, and keeps positive. She impresses me. It makes me feel closer to her. It is one of my weakest points and she handles it very well. I wouldn’t say it’s a turn on… but it does make me like her more. Last night she asked “should we return to our lesson?” lol, it was really cute.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=umsdHZ5nnnY
The second thought about Azerbaijan’s increasing levels of control and jealousy makes me doubt her fidelity. I’ve been around the block enough times to understand what these levels of jealousy and control mean. She’s cheating or gearing up to cheat. I’ve done it, its been done to me, I can read the signs like the alphabet. I hope she is not cheating, obviously, but I am not letting it get me down. Cheaters are going to cheat no matter what you do. If I got upset at her it wouldn’t change her mind about being faithful to me. If she isn’t cheating on me and I got upset, it would just push her closer to doing it any way. Basically, I plan on working loving her as if I didn’t suspect her of anything. The truth will come out one way or the other.
Oh! last night we had a long conversation without a fight! It was nice. When we don't fight, we get along so well... its like a breath of fresh air into my day. We just talk, joke, Oh! And she is teaching me her language. It’s fun! I’ve had many people try to teach me many languages, she is really good. She doesn’t get mad at pronouncing words repeating. She is encouraging, and keeps positive. She impresses me. It makes me feel closer to her. It is one of my weakest points and she handles it very well. I wouldn’t say it’s a turn on… but it does make me like her more. Last night she asked “should we return to our lesson?” lol, it was really cute.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=umsdHZ5nnnY
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
At School Again Breaking the Rules Again, Let me go, let me free
Last Saturday Azerbaijan and I went to Maxwell’s Music House. It’s a small bar (behind phils!) that plays live music. I was overjoyed to watch a live band play for the cost of 5 bucks and a tolerance of $4.25 drinks (gross). I noticed that the bartender, a young guy with blond spiky hair, was rather green at serving drinks.
A day later Azerbaijan informed me, after checking out the bar’s website, that the guy behind the counter was actually the owner of the place. I went to the website to check it out myself. Apparently a 25 year old Laurier business grade had won some grants through a business proposal, and used his contacts and personal relationship with his business professors to secure $150 000.
Last night, instead of thinking of my relationships or corresponding blog posts, I thought about this guy. For the majority of my life I’ve always thought of myself as being too young to do the things I want, certainly too young to start making real money. I am 23 now, that’s not too young to do anything (well excluding marriage and fatherhood… knock on wood). I thought about what I want to do with my life, how I can get there, the natural skills I have, the goals that have been trailing me through out the years. I’ve been thinking about law school… but that really delays my adulthood another 4-6 years. Last night I thought about the prospects of Studying business. I want to acquire the skills to do business and be marketable to the people with talents and aspirations but not the knowledge of numbers or business navigation. How many people have the skill and a dream but lack the business sense to start their own business? I can make myself that resource and form partnerships with people.
The more I thought about it, the more I realized the overstock I’ve placed in my romantic relationships. Romantic relationships have a very poor resell value. You spend so much time, energy, and money into being with someone and at the end you walk away with little to nothing. Admittedly, I’ve been taking my relationships too seriously. Every girlfriend has been taken as the one. Love hasn’t been earned with time and experience, its been given out too fast and too frequently. Romance has been too consuming, I should reallocate my energy toward fashioning a career and having fun while doing it, not chasing silly pouting girls. Maybe that will include committed relationships… maybe it won’t. Maybe it will mean a completely refashioning of what I consider to be involved with someone… I will let everything grow organically as I take sight of my future goals and let my life form around my travels toward making a living.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3PcD-5kaHaU
http://www.maxwellsmusichouse.ca/
A day later Azerbaijan informed me, after checking out the bar’s website, that the guy behind the counter was actually the owner of the place. I went to the website to check it out myself. Apparently a 25 year old Laurier business grade had won some grants through a business proposal, and used his contacts and personal relationship with his business professors to secure $150 000.
Last night, instead of thinking of my relationships or corresponding blog posts, I thought about this guy. For the majority of my life I’ve always thought of myself as being too young to do the things I want, certainly too young to start making real money. I am 23 now, that’s not too young to do anything (well excluding marriage and fatherhood… knock on wood). I thought about what I want to do with my life, how I can get there, the natural skills I have, the goals that have been trailing me through out the years. I’ve been thinking about law school… but that really delays my adulthood another 4-6 years. Last night I thought about the prospects of Studying business. I want to acquire the skills to do business and be marketable to the people with talents and aspirations but not the knowledge of numbers or business navigation. How many people have the skill and a dream but lack the business sense to start their own business? I can make myself that resource and form partnerships with people.
The more I thought about it, the more I realized the overstock I’ve placed in my romantic relationships. Romantic relationships have a very poor resell value. You spend so much time, energy, and money into being with someone and at the end you walk away with little to nothing. Admittedly, I’ve been taking my relationships too seriously. Every girlfriend has been taken as the one. Love hasn’t been earned with time and experience, its been given out too fast and too frequently. Romance has been too consuming, I should reallocate my energy toward fashioning a career and having fun while doing it, not chasing silly pouting girls. Maybe that will include committed relationships… maybe it won’t. Maybe it will mean a completely refashioning of what I consider to be involved with someone… I will let everything grow organically as I take sight of my future goals and let my life form around my travels toward making a living.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3PcD-5kaHaU
http://www.maxwellsmusichouse.ca/
Monday, February 1, 2010
Cost of doing business and bankruptcy
I was lying in the middle of Azerbaijan’s double bed, she sat perpendicular to my body, we were talking about a DVD I brought over. At the drop of a hat and from 0 to 60, Azerbaijan started to yell about how I am in the middle of the bed, or more accurately, how I am “always” in the middle of the bed. I knew where this was going, it only goes to one place. I tried appeasement but the chain reaction to WW3 had already been set in motion. To her, any slight infraction marks a microcosmic gesture that indicates a greater flaw in one’s unchangeable nature. Accordingly, she rattled off her fight catch phrases (you can set your watch by them) “You will never change”, “You’re as pathetic as my step father,” “we just don’t get along,” and finally (and this time she means it) “it’s over”. The change from pillow talk to full blown bitch happened (and happens) so fast that it could make your head spin in a exorcist like fashion.
I walked out, thinking to myself that this was the last straw. I love Azerbaijan, I adore her, she is 80% of my dream girl. Just, that 20% is pure cancer and everything I gave up in high school romances. I walked out, the elements stung my exposed cheeks, my resentment grew. I told myself “This is ridiculous; I didn’t do anything to deserve this (this time…), let the next guy deal with this shit. Somehow I knew the next guy would put up with the good and leave at the first (second, or third) sign of trouble… maybe I should have. At some point the sweet juice just isn’t worth the strenuous squeeze.
Admittedly, I had put my cell phone in my glove so that I could feel it vibrate if she called. I wanted her to. My commitment to saying goodbye was growing, but I still wanted her to call and take everything back. I still wanted to be her boyfriend. A call shook my hand and found its way to my ear. She was sorry. She would never say “lets stay together” but its what we both walked away with.
The night passed with introspective thoughts of; traveling to the UK, starting businesses, and redefining my attitudes towards open relationships. She called, 1:40AM. She disarmed me with sweetness and affection (twice in a weekend… it must me a record). She said that she sometimes forgets how important I am to her. That she misses me, and how she wishes I was there with her now. My heart melted. This is the girl that keeps me in a continual mode of infatuation.
The juxtaposition between bitter and sweet made the sweet seem that much sweeter. Sweet Azerbaijan is so easy to love that it comes naturally and without effort or thought. I can’t continue to put up with the bitter to get to the sweet, however. I have to understand that there must be a limit to how much I put up with. I can’t spend my life catering to the wimps of an irrational romance. If someone stubbornly keeps getting upset, being negative, and finding faults in me… I have to let that go. I don’t want to, I hope I won’t have to, but I am not going to put up with this for much longer. Sometimes quitting is more sensible than holding out.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v1LgvC8G0eY
I walked out, thinking to myself that this was the last straw. I love Azerbaijan, I adore her, she is 80% of my dream girl. Just, that 20% is pure cancer and everything I gave up in high school romances. I walked out, the elements stung my exposed cheeks, my resentment grew. I told myself “This is ridiculous; I didn’t do anything to deserve this (this time…), let the next guy deal with this shit. Somehow I knew the next guy would put up with the good and leave at the first (second, or third) sign of trouble… maybe I should have. At some point the sweet juice just isn’t worth the strenuous squeeze.
Admittedly, I had put my cell phone in my glove so that I could feel it vibrate if she called. I wanted her to. My commitment to saying goodbye was growing, but I still wanted her to call and take everything back. I still wanted to be her boyfriend. A call shook my hand and found its way to my ear. She was sorry. She would never say “lets stay together” but its what we both walked away with.
The night passed with introspective thoughts of; traveling to the UK, starting businesses, and redefining my attitudes towards open relationships. She called, 1:40AM. She disarmed me with sweetness and affection (twice in a weekend… it must me a record). She said that she sometimes forgets how important I am to her. That she misses me, and how she wishes I was there with her now. My heart melted. This is the girl that keeps me in a continual mode of infatuation.
The juxtaposition between bitter and sweet made the sweet seem that much sweeter. Sweet Azerbaijan is so easy to love that it comes naturally and without effort or thought. I can’t continue to put up with the bitter to get to the sweet, however. I have to understand that there must be a limit to how much I put up with. I can’t spend my life catering to the wimps of an irrational romance. If someone stubbornly keeps getting upset, being negative, and finding faults in me… I have to let that go. I don’t want to, I hope I won’t have to, but I am not going to put up with this for much longer. Sometimes quitting is more sensible than holding out.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v1LgvC8G0eY
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