Bye Bye Birdie

I haven’t traveled to Azerbaijan for a couple of weeks now, her plains feel barren and in a perpetual state of stale fall. There were no fights or heightened passion, she just kinda passed on during the twilight of… whatever we were. She fells dead to me, not in a “good! I hope you die and go to hell bitch” kinda away, more in an understated sweeping sorrow, void of any and all closure. I thought we were going to make up, after 3 examless days of no contact… it doesn’t seem to be the case. Maybe I could call/txt her… I can’t bring myself to do it. I miss her, it doesn’t feel closed (to me), I think about it some, but I don’t think I will contact her. Maybe lions die like lambs... maybe that’s not a bad thing. I am grieving in a way, and although a weight has been lifted off my chest, I feel east of
A friend and I have starting to hang out a lot. She is starting to really grow on me, I think she feels similar. If she were going to be in the area for the next term it would be a no brianer... but shes moving back home for the summer term... meaning the relationship would be LD at its conception. She has 10 more days here... and with Azeri and i still together we haven't done anything. We are kinda at a stage where we would pull as many all nighters as we could just to see if we could get to know eachother that way. Then she would be gone...Which having an LD relationship wouldn't be horrible... I could work, school and workout all during the week and see her/go to bars on the weekend... I don't know. I am goign to think about it over the weekend and a little bit.. If Azeri doesn't contact me in the slightlest over the next while... I'll know we are over and then maybe i will go for Greek... even that seems off.
After Azeri, if we are over, I am not sure i want to jump into another relationship. Maybe i should just hook up as much as i possible can (with kyle that i extermly easy). The more i get to know greek, however, the less apealing that options seems

Spiting Roses for their Thorns

Azerbaijan and I recently broke up and got back together, in the “a part” time I went on a date with (thinking of a nick name…) Greek(!). I met Greek at a bar, exchanged phone numbers and (later) set up a date. When she arrived to the date I was taken back, She was a lot more attractive than I remembered. We drank, ate, and talked (her more than me, by a large margin). The minute hand made an attempt at 2 full revolutions but only made it to 1 and a half. I walked her home and ended the night with a hug (didn’t feel right doing anything else, Azerbaijan was still on my mind)
Greek is exactly my type, or at least she was… B.A (Before Azerbaijan). Truth be told she reminded me of Paris (only more; attractive, fun, and corky). While I am still attracted to that kind of woman, loving Azer has really changed me. From day 1 Azer has stood out to me. Her thoughts, how she articulated them… when and how she articulates them… Somewhere in the middle of the date Greek mentioned a story about her friend asking for a sigh of faith. She saw a bird in a place birds normally aren’t. Then the friend asked for a bigger sign, and a flock of birds came… (I know). The Story was a turn off. It made me think about Azer. Out of all my female friends Azer would be the only one to not be impressed by it. It made Azer stand out from Greek and in the comparison… Greek didn’t come out on top. I didn’t want to go back to Azerbaijan, but truth be told I wanted someone that was more like her and less like Paris.
After the date I met up with Azerbaijan (Azer made me with every threat besides physical). We talked… or at least she talked. Truth be told I was dead set against us making up. About a half an hour in though, she started to make sense. One of the reasons I wanted to break up with her was because I thought she didn’t have strong feelings for me. The more she fought however, the less convincing that argument became. I told Azerbaijan about Greek, She seemed upset… rightfully so. She told me she wanted me to text her saying I had a girlfriend. I put up an argument, but in the end I willing gave in (risking Azeri for a cute girl I don’t know… not worth it… not even close). Truth be told, at this point my attraction to Azerbaijan had come back with such a vengeance… I’d probably Van Goho myself to be united with her (I am still a little foggy how my complete 180 switch happened).
We both promised to make major changes, not sure how much of that will actually happen (on both sides). I am, however, coming to understand that she is not as heartless as she seems. She constantly brings up how she thinks couples who make out with others (as long as they still love each other) is cool… She still says she doesn’t want to date me for too long (because she wants to see what other serious relationships are like). Still, against my better judgment… I love her. No one else understands it (myself included), but I do. Out of the 6 billion people on earth, when I; see, smell, touch, and taste her… it is different. She is not like other person the way my family is not like other people (to a lesser extent).

And the Punch Line to the Joke is Screaming Someone Save Us

If God doesn’t exist, what does? Is existence watered-down to a styling and profiling of selfish spending and exchanging the exorbitant exchanges of intimacies and sweet nothing dramatics? The lingering notion of placing my riches in heaven still hunts me, every other prospective portfolio seems more than a little haphazard. Metal rusts, moths can get to cloth, additionally stone becomes weathered. Where, I ask, do you place your riches if heaven no longer exists? What forever is there in a world of permanent decay? Maybe the young prince had it right, but then what right choice is there when the end result is the exact same.
I am amused by women, pursuing, maintaining, attending to; what’s the point? She will rust and tares just like any other thing. We, our riches, the beautiful things we cover ourselves in, are all festering nothings. Some of us can think, act, and breath, but its only a matter of time before we don’t. We are desk, We are chair, We are rabbit, We are stone, We are the mud and dirt that originally formed us (by accident or design).

P.s: there are hazards of leaving half empty glasses around your working space… one being that you may swallow a mouth full of something you forgot about a month ago that may or may not be make you sick.

Wake Up Sunshine Death is at Your Door

When I wake up sometimes I think; I could be single right now. It’s a choice to talk to Azerbaijan. I don’t have to respond to text msgs, emails, or IM’s. “today could be the day where I just walk away.” There doesn’t need to be a fight, a scene, or even a build up of escalating prices of poker. I could simply walk away. I thought about that this morning. No more fighting, no more insults, no more sharing my girlfriend with her internet boyfriend. That stress, doubt, worry, could all be gone. I keep seeing Vendetta at the gym. Truth be told I think about her a little bit more than what is appropriate. I don’t consider her to be more attractive than Azerbaijan (to me, no one is), but I continually think about how nice Vendetta is. She must treat her boyfriend well; affectionate, caring, listens to him, doesn’t insult him or yell at him constantly. It must be nice. Sure, she has a list of her own faults but as long as they were not yelling and insulting him wouldn’t that be a step up from where I am now. Maybe I need to raise my expectations a little bit (at least change them). I’m not Brad Pitt or Bill gates but I should still be able to ask for a girl who is; cute, short, skinny, affectionate, can hold a conversation, and doesn’t insult or fight with me.” That’s not a lot is it? I mean I am already dating a woman who is all those things except insulting and fighting.
I don’t want to say that I can do better than Azerbaijan. Truly I don’t think there is a better. Maybe, however, I would be happier and better off with someone isn’t as verbally abusive though. Someone who is more mature (relationship wise), less insulting, more nurturing. I’ve never had a girlfriend that I loved as much as I do Azerbaijan. I’ve never been as attracted to a woman as much as I am to her. I guess I am scared of losing that. I am always hopeful that she will eventually wake up and become the woman she is so close to becoming, but fight after fight I inch closer to the resolve that that will never happen, not with me anyway. She will get there, just not right now, and not with me.

Abortion

Abortion

Today at the gym I accidently called a friend “babe.” The friend in question (Vendetta), caught up with me at the bench press. We exchanged niceties followed by her saying “I’d hug you if I weren’t so sweaty.” As if on auto pilot I immediately responded, “like I’ve ever cared, get over her babe(!).” She either didn’t notice or didn’t care enough to confront the awkwardness. I know what your thinking, Freidan slip. No! Vendetta is an attractive woman in her own right, but; 1) I am very satisfied with my girlfriend, 2) She has a boyfriend (seems like a nice guy), 3) I just don’t see her that way (we’ve always had a strong purely platonic chemistry that is so natural it has never had to be further examined or explained). I felt like the student who accidently called his elementary teacher “mom.”
I chalk the accidental “babe” to a misplaced association with Azerbaijan. Azerbaijan and I are somewhere between something new and something you can comfortably place your trust in. I am really starting to enjoy the person beyond the remarkable aesthetics. Last weekend we really flowed together, it was a pleasant surprise. We had an incredible workout, we had a multitude of conversations, she was like my it my best friend with romantic allowances. Which leads me to my explanation: 1) I was in the gym with a woman I am naturally comfortable with, 2) sharing a good flow with not to much unlike I did with Azerbaijan, and 3) I’ve said similar things to Azerbaijan on multiple occasions… “babe” just came out too easily.
When I think about what I said “like I’ve ever cared, get over her babe” it doesn’t even make sense with Vendetta. “Like I’ve ever cared” I never cared or not cared with her, but I have said the exact thing to Azerbaijan at the gym (in fact I find her oddly attractive after her exhaustive workouts). The words “get over here babe” those are words that are completely reserved for my girl, I don’t even know if I’ve ever said them to any other girlfriend. I don’t feel guilty about it, that being said I know Azerbaijan would surly be rubbed the wrong way by the tale (cant blame her for that). Truly, the only reason I said it was because of a incredible associations I have with her. still i wish i never said it.

Anyway, that was a funny/odd/awkward thing that happened to me today.

Lightning Bolt S's and the Goosestep Celibration of Sleuth Filled Weekends

Today (March 1, 2010), is a huge day for my family. Firstly, my grandmother turns 90! Secondly, my parents are celebrating their 30th anniversary! My Grandmother is officially 90 today! Think about that; WW1, WW2, The Depression, man going into space, the splitting of the atom, the birth of me! I know that everyone has a special place in their hearts for their grandmother… I am no exception. She was the first person to show me the wonders of public transpiration (and at 7, it really was amazing). We would take the bus to a movie theater, eat at restaurant, and then come home. If I were good she would entertain me with a rendition of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (she had voices for every character, and changed Charlie’s name to Rob). Sleeping over at my Grandmother’s house was always a treat because she had a modest yet eclectic VHS library (Home Alone being my favorite). Be it the 22nd round of “go fish” or 33rd round of “war,” she remains my favorite cards opponent. No one makes Grill cheese or piggy in the blankets like my grandma. What else can I say about a woman who body checked my older brother into a cabinet (which broke!) and played Dance Dance Revolution at 88. She is tough, strong, loving, spry (yes I try to use that word as often as possible), family orientated, dedicated, and maybe a little stubborn. I love her, I am inspired by her, she is my secular saint. My grandmother makes me want to live to 90… or die trying. Officially my parents were married on a leap year, so they won’t actually have another adversity until 2012… but, they now have been married for 30 years. Today (while watching real word DC), my mother earnestly remarked that she has now spent the majority of her life with my Dad. Beautiful, what else can be said about that. You don’t pick your parents, siblings, and relatives; your spouse is really the only part of your family you choose. To share your life with someone for 30 years day in and day out, ideal. I am under no illusion that novelty and zestful attraction can be maintain for that long, but my mom does claim to be more in love with him than she was 30 years ago, I believe her. I can’t (but one day hope to) know what its like growing in love with someone for that long. I really take for granted my parents union, they are just so solid I’ve never thought about what it actually takes to do what they have done. Surely, my mom and dad have had their; disagreements, misunderstandings, and misgivings, but as their son of 23 years… I’ve never witnessed anything but the most superficial and controlled of outburst. I cannot fathom the; maturity, self control, and discipline required to come together as cohesively as they have. They have made it look easy, while I’m sure it has been anything but… That speaks volumes about both of their characters. Married for 30 years.

Make Me Good God, Just Not Yet...

I wear “I love you’s” on my sleeve. A sweet nothing from me is exactly that, nothing. I have a habit of serving affection as it were water, it’s hardly worth writing home about (Azerbaijan sure hasn’t, lol). She was never one to match my superficial affection. Lately, however, she has surprised me with the articulations of her feelings. I don’t think she is even being superficial or disingenuous about it. I never expected her to feel this way about me, let alone express it. I like it but, it has caught me off guard.
At first I thought she was becoming more affectionate to cover up her infidelity, I don’t think that is that case anymore. Then I started to think she was becoming more affectionate because she knew it was what I wanted to hear. That would be a lot of work for something she would have either way. I am starting to believe that she is actually developing deep seeded feelings for me. I never expected it. Last night was one such occasion, she looked up at me and said “do you remember how I used to say “time will tell,” well its been enough time and… I love you.” I was flabbergasted.
Paris once asked about how serious Azerbaijan and I were, I said it was very temperamental and might not last another 2-3weeks. I was certain that there was a 3-4 month expiratory date on our relationship. I didn’t trust her, I didn’t think I was good enough, I thought she was going to play me. Well, like Azerbaijan said, its been enough time and (besides one ice-cream incident) she been good. This leaves me with one question, is my relationship with Azerbaijan actually turning into something substantial? I’ve spent so long waiting for the other shoe to drop that I never really thought of her like that (I mean I hoped, but I didn’t dare get my hopes up). It’s weird to think Azerbaijan likes me the way she tells me she does. It’s weird thinking of her as my next serious relationship. It must be weird for a lottery winner to wake up 5 months later and realize he is still rich, that is ticket was good, that no one is going to take away his money. That’s how I feel about Azerbaijan.
it is becoming increasingly hard to think of myself with other women. I can't see myself loving other women the way i love her. I don’t have to be anyone but myself with her; I am most genuinely me when I am with her. We are starting to fit together. Sometimes she is my only breath of fresh air in moggy week.