Wake Up Sunshine Death is at Your Door

When I wake up sometimes I think; I could be single right now. It’s a choice to talk to Azerbaijan. I don’t have to respond to text msgs, emails, or IM’s. “today could be the day where I just walk away.” There doesn’t need to be a fight, a scene, or even a build up of escalating prices of poker. I could simply walk away. I thought about that this morning. No more fighting, no more insults, no more sharing my girlfriend with her internet boyfriend. That stress, doubt, worry, could all be gone. I keep seeing Vendetta at the gym. Truth be told I think about her a little bit more than what is appropriate. I don’t consider her to be more attractive than Azerbaijan (to me, no one is), but I continually think about how nice Vendetta is. She must treat her boyfriend well; affectionate, caring, listens to him, doesn’t insult him or yell at him constantly. It must be nice. Sure, she has a list of her own faults but as long as they were not yelling and insulting him wouldn’t that be a step up from where I am now. Maybe I need to raise my expectations a little bit (at least change them). I’m not Brad Pitt or Bill gates but I should still be able to ask for a girl who is; cute, short, skinny, affectionate, can hold a conversation, and doesn’t insult or fight with me.” That’s not a lot is it? I mean I am already dating a woman who is all those things except insulting and fighting.
I don’t want to say that I can do better than Azerbaijan. Truly I don’t think there is a better. Maybe, however, I would be happier and better off with someone isn’t as verbally abusive though. Someone who is more mature (relationship wise), less insulting, more nurturing. I’ve never had a girlfriend that I loved as much as I do Azerbaijan. I’ve never been as attracted to a woman as much as I am to her. I guess I am scared of losing that. I am always hopeful that she will eventually wake up and become the woman she is so close to becoming, but fight after fight I inch closer to the resolve that that will never happen, not with me anyway. She will get there, just not right now, and not with me.